How long, O LORD? I cry for help
but you do not listen!
I cry out to you, "Violence!"
but you do not intervene.
Why do you let me see ruin;
why must I look at misery?
Destruction and violence are before me;
there is strife, and clamorous discord.
Then the LORD answered me and said:
Write down the vision clearly upon the tablets,
so that one can read it readily.
For the vision still has its time,
presses on to fulfillment, and will not disappoint;
if it delays, wait for it,
it will surely come, it will not be late.
The rash one has no integrity;
but the just one, because of his faith, shall live.

- Habbakuk 1:2-3; 2:2-4

The road spanned endlessly before me when I heard my Creator's voice say that this year will be a year of Freedom.  A GREAT Freedom.  I missed the turn at the exit because of how overwhelmingly true it felt. 

What is the sound when one heart breaks because of a promise not kept?  Or a promise that has not come to pass?  When someone forgets that he has given you his word?  When someone does not remember? 

If there is one thing that one heart aches miserably to feel, it's to be forgotten.  It's to be not remembered.  By friends.  By family.  By loved ones. 

But what more when it feels that, your own Creator has forgotten? 

How do you begin to see His reflection in a sea of human hearts that imperfectly attempt to love?  Where do you find the strength to be compassionate? 

Such are the seasons of life.  There is no other way but to go through it.  As it says, "because of his faith, shall live."

Today, I pray for those who feel forgotten.  Whose hearts break in silence behind the closed doors of their rooms.  People who appear so strong on the outside and hide their anxiety behind the strength of their capabilities.  Today, I pray for those who forget.  That they will not forget too long.  And in this prayer may God's grace enfold all hearts, that we may learn to see and hold one another not just side by side...but face to face.

I'm not so sure what I would call today.  It felt like I was simply propelled by an inner force to get up and get dressed.  Walk through the rain and into my car.  Drive to work.  Without knowing why. 

I read early morning text messages in haste and breezed through them like a feather duster.  Except for Isabel's.  That pierced through my skin because I knew what the message was for.  It was a reminder. 

That I have to keep my chin up.  Today.

Something felt empty.  I felt the void inside me growing like somebody left a hole from a gunshot wound bleeding.  Not profusely.  But bleeding nonetheless.

Why do moods sway so much like a pendulum refusing to be caught by your still hand?

I was greeted by a new recruit and I spent the day with women who had the same thoughts as me.  Working women who had every reason to be miserable because they were husbandless with children to feed but carried themselves with their heads on their shoulders...while mine was dangling from behind...

I felt small and big at the same time.  Like  somebody was peering through a magnifying glass and saw the dilated pores of my skin.

It was a miracle that my brain kept on functioning.

I can only hope that this is the beginning...or maybe the end...I can only hope that the rising and the falling of my breath moment to moment will not break my rib cage to pieces.

As I close my eyes and wait for the dream to begin.